


You're Okay

by Secretlyademigodinthetardis



Series: Destiel Ficlets, Etc [21]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Boys Kissing, Cas is there for him, Christmas Fluff, College AU, Dead Mary and John Winchester, Dead Sam, Dean has anxiety, Dean works in a bookshop, Had an idea, Idk what i'm doing, M/M, Oneshot, Slight coffeeshop AU, Social Anxiety, bookshop au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 02:42:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1493662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secretlyademigodinthetardis/pseuds/Secretlyademigodinthetardis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short oneshot I had the idea for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Okay

Dean was very introverted, thank you very much. He always imagined himself to be larger than life, striding in and sweeping someone off their feet with an easy smile and a confident pick up line. He knew he could be like that if he hadn't been through the shit he'd had to deal with. However, he was stuck working in a quiet secondhand bookshop, barely talking amidst the silent shelves. The lack of noise reassured him, kept him from freaking out too much. After work, Dean made his way back to his small, cheap apartment, and he would sit and read in the quiet with a quick meal in front of him, or lose himself in a movie or TV show.

He always ended up imagining himself as something.....more, though.

It wasn't that he wasn't happy with his life, per se. He just wasn't happy with himself. The way he would start panicking in large crowds, or at loud noise, especially the car horns that sounded in the traffic he walked past. They took him straight back to that godawful night, the one where the four of them - Dean, John, Mary, and Sammy - had been out for a family meal, and an enormous truck, having lost control on the rain-slicked concrete, had slammed into them. Dean, the loud, obnoxious, overprotective 16 year old that he was, had launched himself across the backseat to his brother as soon as he had come to. It had been too late, and the paramedics had arrived to find a totalled '67 Chevy Impala and an overturned truck, the only person living a teenage boy who was having a panic attack at the sight of his dead family alongside the shards of glass that had impaled his legs and torso.

It had been four years since that night, and Dean was determined to make himself better. If only for this Christmas.

If nothing else, for Castiel, because Castiel deserved so much better than what Dean was. 

* * *

He honestly thought he was dreaming when he saw Castiel for the first time. The college student had walked into the bookstore 18 months ago, and Dean had only been able to stare speechlessly at the gorgeous young man as he browsed the shelves. Then Dean had realised -  _shit_ \- he was the only one working for the next couple of hours, which meant he would have to serve this..... _angel_ of a man at the counter and not send him away screaming at Dean's complete inability to talk to another human being.

What he hadn't expected was a shy smile that made his heart feel like it was about to burst, and for the beautiful man to buy a copy of Dante's Divine Comedy before saying "thank you very much. I shall be sure to return" and leaving. Dean had blatantly stared as he walked away, going so far as to run to the window to make sure the guy made it across the street safely. He'd come back the next day, and instead of buying something had instead approached Dean, and asked him what he thought of Dante's theory of the severity of one's crimes in life fitting where they went in death. Dean, who was pretty sure he was going to Hell just for surviving the car accident and would therefore never see his family again (if Heaven was real, they would be there), had been torn between running away or simply ducking to hide under the desk that served as a shop counter. To his complete shock, he had been able to answer like a normal human, and had managed to sustain a full half hour conversation with Castiel (he had a name!) about Castiel's Religious Studies Major before Castiel had checked the time, and cursed under his breath before saying "I'm so sorry, Dean. I have to go to class. But....I'd like to continue this conversation? If you'd like?"

Dean had blinked in shock before replying.

"Sure, Castiel. Um. You can come back tomorrow?"

A small smile that caused faint lines to show at the edges of Castiel's eyes.

"Yes, or you could give me your number."

"Oh!" Dean fumbled the pen he was writing a receipt on ("here you go, Mrs Mosely", "thank you, Dean. You look after yourself, you hear?") and promptly dropped it behind the desk. He immediately dived down to retrieve it, and emerged with his face beet red. Castiel continued to smile, but it now had the edge of uncertainty.

"Unless you don't want to?"

"No, it's....I....um....here," Dean scribbled his number down on a scrap of paper and gave it to Castiel shyly. Castiel beamed, and Dean was seriously worried that he was about to have a heart attack.

"I'll see you later, Dean. And you can call me Cas." And then he was gone again, and Dean was fixed to the spot until Mrs Mosely waved a hand in his face.

"Did you just give that boy your phone number on the back of the store's copy of my receipt?"

_Crap._

* * *

The day after that, Dean wasn't expecting Castiel to come in again. He figured that a guy like Castiel - smart, funny, cute, beautiful, and just so damn  _nice_ and  _amazing_ \- would be bothered to talk to a guy like Dean, when Castiel was obviously so far out of his league it wasn't even funny. So when he was making his way back to the desk to quietly read with a mug of coffee that day, the last thing he expected was a quiet "Hello, Dean."

Dean jumped about a mile in the air and dropped his coffee. The mug shattered the noise piercing the quiet calm of the bookshop, and coffee went all over the floor - thankfully missing Dean and Castiel's shoes. Dean froze.

He was 16 years old again, staring at his younger brother's lifeless body as it lay in the mangled wreck next to him.

He was 16 years old again, covered in blood, and he didn't know if it was his or his parents'.

He was 16 years old again, and a shard of glass was sticking out of his thigh.

He was 16 years old again, and a paramedic was talking to him as they lifted him out of the wreck, but all he could see was the car panel that had the initials "D.W. S.W." carved into it haphazardly, and a small green army man on the tarmac.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry....." he repeated over and over, knowing it was useless, knowing he could never bring them back.

"Dean? Dean! Dean, look at me!"

Dean came back into himself, and Castiel was gripping his shoulders gently. All the strength in his legs began to give out, and Castiel guided him to a chair carefully.

"Dean, are you okay?" 

Dean looked up numbly and saw concerned blue eyes gazing at him. He forced a feeble smile.

"'m fine. Need to clean up," he mumbled. Castiel frowned.

"You sit here. I'll sort the floor out." And ignoring Dean's weak protests, he did exactly that before returning to Dean and looking at him apologetically.

"I'm sorry. I should not have startled you."

Dean shook his head vigorously.

"It's fine. I shouldn't be....I'm not....I freak out easily. It's cool." he looked down at the wood of the desk, which was suddenly interrupted by Castiel neatly shifting papers out of the way to perch upon so he could tilt Dean's chin up. Dean's breath hitched when piercing blue eyes met his own.

"Let's get a coffee. I'll pay."

"But...I'm....." Dean protested as Castiel lightly tugged him out of the shop, leaving Meg in charge, to a small cafe at the end of the street. It was warm and cosy inside, and there were only five or so patrons talking quietly at isolated booths.

"What would you like, Dean?" Castiel looked at him hopefully, and Dean glanced down at where their hands were still linked from when Castiel had pulled him down the road before meeting his gaze under his eyelashes.

"Um. Espresso, please," he said quietly. The smile he got in return was totally worth it.

And so was the first kiss, a month later, when Castiel had become a regular fixture in Dean's life - visiting the shop every day, and the pair of them getting a coffee and a sandwich (or pie) on Dean's lunchbreak.

Castiel had moved into Dean's apartment a year after they met, and Dean's anxiety was slowly dissipating with Castiel's help. He refused to use Castiel as an emotional crutch, because he knew that people could leave or be taken from you in a heartbeat. Instead he paid attention to Castiel when Castiel told him he wasn't worthless. He listened when Castiel whispered that he loved him at night, when they were moving as one under the thick blankets of their bed, and when he was wrapped up in those lean, strong arms, drifting off to sleep. He treasured each kiss as if it were their last, savouring the way Castiel's mouth felt and moved alongside his own, and the way their bodies fit together perfectly. He knew he didn't deserve Castiel, or his love, and that Castiel would probably be better off with some genius douchebag from his class, but he was determined to keep Castiel anyway, because dreams of Castiel replaced his nightmares.

* * *

That Christmas, therefore, Dean definitely wanted to accompany his boyfriend to the mall, because he knew that Castiel's face would light up at the sight of alll those decorations and the happy spirit that Christmas entailed. So he approached him as he sat on their couch, making a Christmas list and frowning in a thoughtful manner.

"Hey, Cas?"

Castiel jumped and hid the list. "Yeah?"

"Um...." Dean looked down. "Would it be cool if I came shopping with you? Like I know you probably won't want me tagging along, but I do have some crap I need to buy, too. Even if it is just for you."

Dean would never get tired of Castiel's smile, no matter how old he got.

"Of course, Dean;"

An hour later, the pair of them were entering the mall. Dean gripped Castiel's hand tightly, nervously eyeing the enormous amount of people pushing past one another. Castiel squeezed his hand back, and soon they were outside of a department store. Dean was wondering what the hell to get the only person he wanted to get something for, when something caught his eye.

"Cas, I may have to ditch you, because I need to buy your present."

Castiel checked his expression to see if he was okay, and Dean could've kissed him for it.

"Meet back here in an hour?" Castiel asked, and it occurred to Dean that Castiel was possibly even more worried about Dean than Dean was. He did kiss Castiel this time, a brief meeting of their lips, and smiled broadly.

"I'll be fine. You can text me and stuff, too." Dean walked away, making himself smaller as he edged his way through the Christmas melee. When he turned, Castiel was watching him leave. He waved a hand, as if to say "go away!" and Castiel gave him a nod of reassurance before disappearing into the mess of people around him. Dean approached the small kiosk he had espied. Scarves were on full display, and Dean began to examine them. He finally found the perfect one - it didn't exactly match the colour of Castiel's eyes, because Castiel's eyes were so many different shades of blue all wrapped up in one colour that made Dean's heart skip a beat every time he looked into them, but it was pretty damn close. He paid, making small noises of affirmation when the seller tried to engage him in conversation, and straightened so that he was able to see his surroundings. 

There was a handmade jewellery kiosk nearby, and he made a beeline for it, mumbling apologies to those that bumped into him and attempting to make himself as unobtrusive as possible. There was a pretty redheaded girl behind the counter, and Dean vaguely recognised her as one of Castiel's friends from when Dean had met them a few months ago. She smiled at Dean, and he tried desperately to remember her name - Amber? Alice? - until he saw the nametag that said "Anna".

"Hi Dean! Are you looking for something for Cas?"

He smiled back awkwardly.

"Yeah. I'm not sure....I don't know...I don't know what to get him," he said hopelessly. 

"Whatever you get him, he'll love it," she replied firmly.

"But what if he doesn't?"

"He will, because it's from you, and he loves you, and he gets really shiny lovestruck eyes whenever he looks at you. You know before you guys got together, he wouldn't stop talking about the guy in the bookstore that he was too scared to talk to?"

Dean looked at her in astonishment, unable to say a word. Anna must have realised what he was thinking, because she contined.

"Yeah! And then he finally spoke to you, and we all thought he was on drugs or something because he was that happy. You make him happy, Dean. So whatever you give him, he'll love it."

Dean swallowed dryly. "Okay then. Can....can I take a look?"

He spent the next 15 minutes looking at the display in front of Anna as she told him great detail all about how Castiel had seen him through the shop window, and spent four months agonising over whether or not he should go in and talk to him after walking past every day, and about how Castiel had talked about him non stop for the entire month before they kissed, and had only shut up after that because Anna and Crowley had threatened to beat him with a cactus. Dean saw something that was ideal.

"How much is that bracelet?"

It was a leather strap, but the pieces that connected either end of the leather were intricately styled steel wings that hooked onto one another.

"Dean! You're a genius. It's exactly him! What made you pick that?"

"Uh....I researched his name...and when I saw him, I..." his voice gave way to a blushing stammer, and Anna gave him a conspiratorial grin.

"Come on, you can tell me."

"....I dunno, he just looked at me, and I thought he was an angel or something. It's stupid."

When he looked up, Anna was scanning the bracelet and wrapping it in silver and blue paper, slipping in a small piece of paper.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? Pay up, buddy, I have to earn my money somehow." Anna joked, but her eyes were kind. Dean handed over the $20.

"No, the.....paper."

"Nothing you need to worry your pretty head about. Now, go find him, because I know he's here somewhere worrying about you."

Dean left, after quietly saying, "thanks, Anna." She waved cheerily before turning to her next customer.

He walked back to the department store, texting Castiel to let him know he was done. The reply was almost immediate, and the Castiel's relief was almost palpable.

_Great, me too. I'll meet you in five minutes? x_

Dean texted back.

 **Yep, be there soon. x**  

When he arrived at the store five minutes later, however, Castiel wasn't there. Dean scanned the crowd anxiously, palms beginning to sweat. A large man walked into him, knocking him to the floor. Dean stood slowly, ears ringing from his head hitting the floor.

"Watch where you're going, asshole!" the man said, walking away. Dean froze to the spot, hands clenching and unclenching. His breath came in short, rapid gasps, and Sam's face filled his vision.

"Dean? Dean!"

Reality slammed into him. Castiel was in front of him, hands cupping his face.

"Are you alright?"

Dean could only give a small nod, before shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," he gasped out, and Castiel tentatively hugged him. Dean hugged back, clinging to him, and Castiel was soon gripping him fiercely, keeping him grounded as Dean's breathing evened out again.

"You're okay Dean. You're okay." he breathed into Dean's hair as the blonde man rested his head on his Castiel's shoulder. "You're okay."

"Can we go home?" Dean mumbled into Castiel's shoulder.

"Of course."

They left the mall hand in hand, Castiel leaning over to press kisses to a grateful Dean's cheek or mouth every few steps.

* * *

Christmas Day was, for lack of a better word, awesome. Castiel's eyes shone when he saw the bracelet Dean bought for him, and Dean couldn't help but give a small laugh when he opened Castiel's gift to him - it was a green scarf that "was the closest I could get to your eye colour", as Castiel so bashfully put it - and they both wore their scarves as Dean unwrapped the signed Led Zeppelin vinyls Castiel had bought for him.

They spent most of the day watching cheesy Christmas movies on the couch, curled up into one another, trading kisses. 

On Boxing Day, Castiel drove them to the cemetery in the next town over, and the pair of them approached the graves.

"Guys, this is Cas. I haven't introduced you to him before, and I'm sorry, but here he is. He's perfect, and I love him. He makes me real happy, and I haven't had bad dreams about you guys in a while thanks to him. I really miss you," Dean said softly, and Castiel slipped an arm around his waist. They stood in silence, before Dean said, "You can talk to them, if you want. Like, you don't have to, I just...." he stammered, and Castiel kissed him before extracting himself to move closer to where Dean's family lay.

"Hello, Mary, John and Sam. It's an honour to meet you, finally. I know Dean misses you a lot. If you could see him, you would be exceptionally proud. He is a wonderful man, and I love him more than I thought would be possible. I don't think you would like my family - they don't talk to me anymore. But Dean makes me feel better about that too, and I will forever be grateful for the fact that this brilliant man chose me to be with," Castiel said.

Dean hugged him abruptly from behind.

"I love you," he gasped, tears threatening to choke him. Castiel's arms reached up so that he could hold Dean's close to his chest.

"I love you too."

* * *

Two years later, Dean asked Castiel to marry him. Castiel, obviously, said yes.

Three years later, they were married and moving into a home on the outskirts of town.

Castiel found a job teaching, and Dean continued to work at the bookstore, which he now drove to.

Dean still wasn't a fan of large crowds or anything out of his comfort zone, but he learned to cope with it and be happy with himself and especially the person he was sharing his life with.

Because, as Castiel had so often reminded him, Dean was worthy of happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out to be longer than I had planned. Oops. I hope I did okay with showing Dean having anxiety and stuff um. Yeah that's about it.


End file.
